Yesterday was one of those days in the gym when I felt incredibly capable and strong. I was pushing hard and challenging myself on every lift. My music was on and doing it’s job. I felt good, happy….and high. There’s a certain feeling I get at times when I’m hitting on all cylinders and I can feel energy flowing through my whole being. It’s a beautiful feeling…almost too much to contain and keep to myself. It makes me want to jump up on a bench and yell…a deep, guttural yell that I can conjure up in my imagination without a problem but could never actually give it into life the way I feel it. It’s deep, low, loud, primal. My own vocal cords couldn’t produce that sound but it’s sure in me and some moments it rises up and runs right below the surface of my being.
I don’t know what it’s like to be a man but I associate the feeling with what I think men might feel at times. It makes me want to yell, yes, but it also makes me want to wrestle. I want to test my mettle mano-a-mano. Not a do or die match up or a fight, I just want to roll around on the floor with someone…see if I can dominate them. It’s times like this I scan the gym and think to myself, Which one of these guys would I want to go up against? Which one of these guys could I take? It’s always the men that are the focus of my thoughts, never women. The odd thing is there have been times when I’ve been absolutely sure that were I male, I could win any match up in the place.
I remember when my oldest son was in the fifth grade. He came walking down the street to meet me at the car after school and stopped to talk to some of his friends who were gathered on the lawn of a house on the corner. I could see the group of about 8 boys very clearly from were I was parked. After a short conversation, the boys made a circle around my son and his buddy. They all started chanting, either my son’s name or his friend’s while the two boys wrestled around in the center of the circle. Neither my son or any of the other kids involved had issues or emotional problems. They were just having fun seeing who was stronger. The tussle was in no danger of turning into a real fight but another woman who was driving by stopped and yelled out the window for the boys to stop. She told them she was going right in to tell the principal. The kids scattered in all directions leaving their match for another day. When my son got in the car I asked him what motivated that particular meeting on the lawn. He said he was trying to get his friend to play on his football team and he was showing him he was strong enough.
That’s the kind of physical contest I imagine…that good spirited wrestling that occurs often in the lives of boys and men. I need a willing partner. I need one who will proceed with the same spirit he’d approach a wrestling match with his little nephew or young son because as geeked up as I get I’m under no illusion that I can come anywhere near matching a man in strength. As a matter of fact when I was a kid I had a skinny, weak looking male friend who could probably still pin me if he was eating pizza, working on his car and talking on the phone all at the same time.
Now how can I arrange this? I guess I could put a help wanted sign up in the gym. After all it’s those great workouts that make me feel this way. I don’t walk around all the time wanting to pit myself against people. It never happens at the grocery store, park or the theatre, just the gym. I can imagine it now…
WANTED: One kind-hearted, physically adept, capable male for spirited play. Must have great powers of judgement and restraint. Sense of humor necessary. Must be willing to be bull-rushed occasionally by a little woman in a pink skirt and black hat (that’s what I was wearing at the gym yesterday).
Think I’ll have any takers??